Wax, Kratom, and Security Cameras . . . What a day.
Updated: Jun 14
It was a beautiful summer day. I had REALLY been looking forward to the good weather and the possibility of going to the lake and taking a walk down High Bridge.
Why? Well, the week prior had been pretty rough. The guy I was with at the time had been lying about his whereabouts on several occasions (using drugs instead of going to A.A./N.A. meetings as he was supposed to), AND he had made some slight accusations against ME for no good reason. Suffice to say, we had been fighting pretty bad.
But as of this particular morning, he had admitted to his wrongdoings and vowed never to lie or stay out all night without telling me where he was again. He also apologized for his completely unwarranted accusations and said he was just “scared that I was going to leave him,” so he “tried to make me out to be the bad one,” that way he “could leave me first.”
Although this wasn’t the first time we had similar weeks’ worth of fights, I forgave him . . . again. I excused the behavior and the lies...again. I empathized...again. I felt sorry for him...again.
Some of my thoughts were as follows:
Getting sober is hard; of course he would relapse at least a few times; he deserves another chance.
Everyone makes mistakes; who am I to hold him accountable?
He was just scared of losing me, that’s why he said those horrible things about me and accused me of those ridiculous things – he didn’t really mean it.
Things from here on out are going to be PERFECT, just like he promised me in the beginning!
Unfortunately, I didn’t make it to the lake that day; I didn’t get a chance to take my walk. I didn’t even get one moment of peace or enjoyment in the sunshine that day.
Why? Well, his drug use had already resumed. I caught him smoking something he called “wax” and then he stole my car and my credit card to go buy Kratom – which he took nearly the entire bottle of in one setting. The sinking feeling of disappointment and being lied to had come right back not even 24 hours later.
When I called him out on it, the deflection and projection began IMMEDIATELY, and this time he was taking it even further. During the ensuing argument, additional accusations were made against me.
I was cheating because I was looking out the window during one of our conversations.
I was cheating because I was wearing a certain pair of shorts that day – ones which he had previously admired and asked me to wear on several occasions.
I was cheating because I had a bruise on my leg.
I was cheating because I left during one of our non-productive, escalating arguments, to go sit in my vehicle alone and cry.
I was cheating because he searched through my phone and found some sort of graphic/icon that I guess is some sort of app that I don’t even know ANYTHING about, nor how/where he found it on my phone! His accusation was that I had some secret communication app on there which I was using to talk to other men. (I later learned that he had intentionally set me up with things like this, just to accuse me of cheating later on – but that’s a whole other story).
Let me tell you why his accusations were EVEN MORE ridiculous:
#1. I had just left my ENTIRE LIFE behind, including a house that I had JUST bought, and including making my children adjust to a two-parent custodial arrangement, just to get back with this guy because he had me convinced that we were “soul mates.”
#2. I was working FULL-TIME and going to GRADUATE SCHOOL online FULL-TIME, plus taking care of my daughters during this time. If I wasn’t at work, I was at home, or transporting my child somewhere.
#3. I GAVE HIM my phone to keep on multiple occasions, had to send him pictures or video-chat constantly to prove when I was at work, etc.
Now, because I was not familiar with Narcissistic/Sociopathic Abuse at that time, I was blind to what was actually happening: the deflection, the projection, the abusive control tactics, the gaslighting. I was blind to the fact that I should have not wasted EVEN ONE SECOND defending myself against his absurdities. I was blind to the fact that he was lying SINCE DAY ONE.
So, I spent this entire day (as I had many others) defending myself.
Instead of enjoying a sun bath on hot sand, I was looking like a crazy woman going into businesses asking if they had security cameras that I could view footage from – ones that would have hopefully had seen me parked the time I left to go cry in my car. But, they didn’t.
Instead of enjoying a walk down a scenic bridge, I was going into Verizon asking the rep to PLEASE confirm to this guy that my phone was not locked in any way, didn’t have any “secret apps,” or “secret ANYTHING!” But, the rep wasn’t any help and said there was nothing he could do.
Many days were similar to this. Anticipating things would “go back to good” only for the narcissistic sociopath to make my life a living hell in one way or another. Thank God, I FINALLY saw the truth and found my way out of the nightmare.
(For reference, the day described here was in June 2019).
Unfortunately, I know that anyone else who has been with this type of toxic person knows EXACTLY what I experienced, and has likely had days very similar to this one of mine. And the entire reason I am writing this is so that you CAN feel understood.
I feel for you. I acknowledge the insanity that you went through. I understand the things that likely no one else around you does. I realize that you are/were trying your absolute best, but that you were up against a form of evil all its own. You never stood a chance.
What these monsters do, intentionally, is build you up (loveboming) right from the very start, just to tear you down. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!
It was all part of their plan – and I realize that makes it even more painful. But it’s true. The sooner you can accept that, and go ahead and feel all the pain it brings, the sooner it can be lifted from your mind, body, and soul – leaving you more healed and at peace.