The Twighlight Zone Moment from Hell
I remember it oh so vividly it almost pains me to recall.
ALL. AT. ONCE.
I want to ensure you can even slightly fathom this, so please read that list again and let it sink in. I've never cried so hard in my life.* I literally felt my stomach touching my spine every time I heaved. I thought I was going to choke on my own lungs. I collapsed into a corner of the room, ridden with anxiety and not quite even able to comprehend if I was alive or not. I couldn't be. This had to be a dream right? This CANNOT possibly be actually happening.
Oh, but it was. My bleeding foot reminded me that I was alive when part of my peripheral vision caught the glimmer of blood, followed by the sensation of pain in my arms. Yes, I had to remind myself. That was my blood... my blood from my foot... from my foot that went through that closet door, from flailing frantically with a 160 pound "man" trying to retrieve my keys and phone from his hostage grip. And that was indeed real pain in my arms from being held back relentlessly when trying to leave. But I was unsuccessful. And now the reality and entirety of my predicament had me collapsed into a corner contemplating if suicide or homicide would be easier on my family. Let me stop there and help you understand how HEARTWRENCHING, yet at the same time LOGICAL that type of thinking is for a victim of narcissistic abuse (or any abuse really). It comes down to feeling like your life is completely over, even if he doesn't kill you like he's been threatening. It also comes down to believing he'll do it so much so that you kind of want to beat him to it by committing suicide, just so he won't have the satisfaction. Let me tell you, that is a moment of pure hell, especially for a mother.
I sat there sobbing, being accused of things that can only be described as INSANE. I sat there being scolded and talked to like I was trash. I sat there feeling like I was in front of a firing squad with bullets made of non-stop insultuous and accusatory gaslighting. Taking it all in through my ears and trying to piece it together with what I KNEW was reality (i.e. that the lies and accusations were not only untrue, but impossible; that the dude had to be either delusional, possessed, or both). And trying to also piece it together with everything this same person was doing and saying just 3 months prior:
To be succinct, 3 months prior this person was exclaiming his undying love for me and everything about me to the world. He was praising me for literally everything... my appearance, my talents, my characteristics, the way I did nearly any and everything. Now, many of those same exact things, I was instead being reprimanded for... and not only reprimanded for, but being threatened to be killed over. Again, such a moment is pure, unfathomable hell. Prior to this moment, these abuse tactics (holding my keys hostage, gaslighting, delusional accusations, etc.) had been occurring in spurts. But it was THIS moment when I suppose that what they call the "devaluation stage" in a relationship with a psychopath had hit its peak. This is the DARKEST most hellacious Twighlight Zone you can imagine, and unless you've lived it you probably can't even imagine it. To be honest, I don't even want you to fully try because it's THAT painful. And let me tell you, it is NOT easy to find the strength and clarity required to escape this T-zone.
But I did. So have many other survivors, and SO CAN YOU if you are currently in an abusive relationship. You've been conned, brainwashed, manipulated, and set up. But despite so many odds being against you, you are literally only ONE FIRM AND FINAL DECISION away from breaking free. Fight back, but fight smart . . . emotional stupidity and ego are their greatest weaknesses. And remember, every Twilight Zone has a way in AND a way out. You just have to stop seeing what the abuser wants you to see and start looking for the TRUTH. The truth is your way out.
*Chances are I have cried almost as hard several times before, because such a Twighlight Zone moment from hell was unfortunately not new to me by the time this one had occurred. The same monster had done the exact same thing to me in the past numerous times. However, I think this particular moment was even more hellacious and devastating because this was the one and only time I had experienced this as a mother; plus having it happen all over again after being free from it for nearly 12 years. The devastation in realizing that even after 12 years of freedom from this monster, that he could not only dupe me again, but could abuse me even harsher than ever before. The utter bafflement and despair was therefore even more intense this time around.