One Day on the Demonic Side of a Narcissistic Sociopath
WARNING: This post may be triggering to victims of abuse or even hard to digest for those of you that care for me personally. PLEASE only read if/when you are ready, and also, please remember that I AM OKAY and SAFE now, so there is no need to feel sorry or worried for me! Please also remember that I learned A LOT from this unfortunate experience/mistake of mine, so in the end, I am grateful for it, and I hope you are grateful for my growth from this as well. .
It is hard to believe that just 13 months ago, I was sitting in front of a case manager, pleading for him to take the boy sitting beside me to a mental health facility out of fear that he would kill me. . Of course, I was pleading with my eyes because I had to be extremely careful with my words. One wrong word, and if they didn’t take him right then and there, the risk of me being killed or severely injured that night would be even higher. I couldn’t just say, “Please admit this guy to a facility right now because he is literally out of his mind, hearing voices, hallucinating, and threatening to kill me every other hour!” That would have been disastrous, plus even as I SO cautiously and caringly shared what was happening, the boy constantly denied and lied about nearly everything. . I was BEGGING with my eyes for the case manager to recognize me as the girl who was just in his office a few weeks prior complaining of being in an abusive relationship and looking for support to help me cope. WHY wasn’t he recognizing me!?! Why wasn’t he seeing the complete FEAR in my eyes, the tightness and shaking throughout my entire body? . Not that it mattered; they didn’t have a bed available in the crisis stabilization unit (CSU), and the case manager didn’t have grounds to have him legally detained (he didn’t have to say that, I knew it). The boy knew what to say, what to lie about, and what not to say to avoid the truth of his psychotic state coming out. He knew he could possibly be detained for schizotypal behavior and he wasn’t about to let that happen. . So, I left that office completely defeated. It had taken me DAYS to even get the guy to go to the agency to start with – I was literally dragging him in the door and then constantly fighting against his attempts to walk out without seeing anyone. . I thought for sure that once he got there, they would help him and help keep me safe. Yet, I left feeling completely lost and powerless again; I left ALONGSIDE the guy who, FOR DAYS, had been living in a complete delusion and taking it out on me. A guy who had been accusing me of the most ridiculous acts despite ZERO logical evidence to support his psychotic claims; even despite PROOF to the contrary. The guy who I (thank God) caught red-handed trying to set me up by making our window appear as if it had been opened while he was gone. He wanted to claim I was sneaking men inside, but again, THANK GOD, I caught him red handed unlocking it …and his response??? “I just wanted to see what you would say.” . Looking back, this was just one of many of his twisted and deceitful ploys to create and play-out his sick delusions. Had I not caught him doing that, it would have been yet ANOTHER moment of COMPLETE bafflement and despair for me. One of me trying to defend myself against something that wasn’t even true. (Many of you know this type of thing as "gaslighting"). There I would be, KNOWING that I had locked the window, but having him ask me why it was “opened,” would have freaked me out that someone was breaking in when I wasn’t home. My daughters stayed there. Yet, this dude was willing to allow me to be scared to that extent, “just so he could see what I would say” and try to accuse me of something so insane that it still baffles me. Of course, this was just one of MANY examples, but I’ll go ahead and share another one so you can get a better picture. One day, out of nowhere, he asks me, “Do you have a MySpace account?” My answer: “Um… I had one years ago, so I guess it’s still there but I haven’t been on it in forever, I wouldn’t even know how to login.” HIM: “Well that’s funny because a guy just sent you a message on there – I see it in your email account.” ME: “That’s weird, I guess MySpace is trying to get popular again, so maybe they are emailing to try to get people back on it???” HIM: continued accusing me of lying, being on MySpace, and communicating with men on there. ME: continued to say I don’t know what the heck he’s talking about, I DON’T go on there!” He spent an entire day making a whole ordeal of this until he finally said, “I know you’re telling the truth; I made a MySpace account for you and sent you that message – I just wanted to see what you would say.” Hopefully, you get the picture – what sane person does this kind of stuff?? . But back to the case manager. We we were told a bed would be available at CSU the next
day and that someone would be by to pick him up the next morning. All I could think was, “I just have to make it through tonight, I just have to make it through tonight.” . It was after that appointment where I was threatened with a crowbar to my face. And remember, this is after me trying DESPERATELY to help this guy get the help he needed. Yeah, that’s how I was repaid. I honestly thought I was going to be murdered that night. Murdered by someone who, just a few months prior, was touting his undying love for me and promising me the world and exclaiming how happy he was to have his “soulmate” back, and on and on and on – heck, many of you saw the posts on FB about it! . Can you imagine how I felt that night??? Can you imagine being so scared that you’re going to be murdered and that your children won’t have a mother anymore just because some
dude is freaking psychotic?? Can you imagine being threatened to be killed over something you didn’t do, by someone, who just months prior, you were believing every word they said about how they never stopped loving you and finally “grew up” and was ready to treat you right …and had you thoroughly BRAINWASHED to believe that you were “meant to be” together, etc.? I’ll tell you what it’s like – it’s like the most hellacious, anguishing twilight zone/perdition you can imagine.
You may say, “well why didn’t you just leave?” Oh there are so many reasons. For starters, it’s a little difficult to do that when the guy is holding your keys and phone hostage. Secondly, it’s hard to do when he is threatening the life of your loved ones if you leave and you care more about protecting them than you do your own life. Thirdly, if I would have just walked out, surely he would follow me, so what good would that have done? And/or he would have damaged ALL of my stuff and my vehicle. I just kept thinking, if I can just make it through tonight, he will be gone the next day and I can escape. As scared as I was, I felt strongly that I could hold him off until the next morning. . But, I have NEVER been so on edge in my entire life. He would pace back and forth for hours, mumbling things and cutting his eyes at me – constantly going through my phone which I had already let him keep for DAYS so he could “go through it!” He was determined that I was “hiding something” on there and spent hours and hours looking through it like a maniac. He would leave then come back in and glare at me with eyes that could only be described as demonic. He would fall asleep (and for a moment I would think maybe if he just gets some rest, he will wake up and realize he was psychotic and he will come back to reality). But no. He would wake up and have the look of hatred in his eyes; glaring at me as if to say, “you’re gonna get it.” . Thankfully, the next morning came, I was still alive, and they took him away. I didn’t stick around even for another second – I was out of there. And that was just the beginning of the next round of stalking and hoovering that I would have to deal with for months on end afterwards. . Of course, I got ALL kinds of apologies and admissions of guilt after I left. He’d write things like, “I was out of my mind, I know you didn’t do those things, please forgive me, please give me one last chance, I love you more than life itself, I didn’t mean it, that crowbar? I mean, I didn’t bash your face in, did I? I promise I’ll never do any of that stuff again, just please take me back, etc., etc., etc.” (Mind you, all the while he was stealing money from me behind my back amongst other disgusting things he was doing). . But I had FINALLY + FULLY realized, this was the same exact pattern from middle/high school – I finally realized, this guy wasn’t just some unfortunate kid who just repeatedly treated me like crap because he was young and dumb. This wasn’t some guy I needed to feel sorry for like I had always done in the past. Nope. I finally realized, this is WHO he is. In fact, I later found out that this is also EXACTLY how he treated the victim he was with before he suckered me back in, in 2019. . And I finally realized, there were MANY reasons why I was able to be suckered back in, but that’s a whole other novel lol! Suffice to say, this guy was deeply enmeshed in my unresolved childhood traumas (many of which he actually caused by the way). Prior to this last nightmare with him, I was also completely oblivious to the fact that some people literally are evil; that sociopathy is REAL and unchangeable (yes, I’ll argue that point). And this is why I continue to tell my story and share information about narcissistic and sociopathic abuse. People need to know this stuff is NO JOKE! It is not just a trend either; people are just like me and finally waking up to the fact that it is REAL. . I don’t typically share this much detail, but sometimes it is necessary. Because until you have lived through this type of abuse, and experienced even ONE DAY on the demonic side of a narcissistic sociopath, you just don’t know what it’s like. I hope me sharing this ONE particular day, may give you an idea. Perhaps by better understanding my situation, you may be better able to recognize it and/or help someone you know who is in the same boat. I can’t stop these types of people from abusing and hurting others, but I can at least do this much to help spread awareness. . If you read this entire thing, I thank you for caring enough to “listen” to my story.